Sunday, August 2, 2009

here we go...again.

After three failed relationships in just over the same number of years, I am reluctant to trust myself. Or anyone, for that matter.

I read a lot about myself this past week. I did one of those Myers Briggs tests. You know, the ones where you get the four letters. It appears that I am an ENFP. What this means, I guess, is that I get into these relationships, build everything into them, and then get crushingly disappointed when they don't pan out. I don't know how to change this. The only thing I can think of right now is just to avoid getting in relationships at all, because thus far they've been nothing but a disappointment.

I know that when one door closes another door opens, this is just a bump in the bicycle path of life, this is the beginning of a whole new chapter, plenty more fish in the sea, I'm still young, blah blah blah. I am chock full of sayings and cliches that should make me feel better, but don't. Not yet, anyway.

I don't know how to change myself...and I don't know, really, that I want to. I mean, I'm me. I can't help how I feel. When I get into a new relationship, I love that feeling of hope and newness and the thought that maybe, this time, this is it. I don't know if the disappointment at the end is enough to wipe that initial good feeling out...right now it feels like that, but I know that won't be forever.

I know I should spend some time alone, and I really do plan to. Maybe by doing that I can really start feeling better about myself, and what I'm doing with my life. Right now there is a bunch of turmoil and change - some good, some bad - and I still don't know where I'll be when the dust settles. I am pretty sure that the next six months will see me in drastically different circumstances. Maybe it's best to be single in a time like that.

I think the thing that is hardest about contemplating so much change is that there won't be anyone to lean on or confide in, or anyone to hold my hand or just hold me and tell me that everything will work out. I am a strong person, I know that...it's just, it's nice(r) to have someone there. Someone who loves you at the end of the day even if you totally screw up. It's difficult to think about spending the next few weeks, months - years, even - without that feeling.

It seems like I can't stop crying. I think about all the things we did, and said, and places we went, and places we planned to go, and things we planned to do, and it's like I'm a leaky faucet. I can't turn it off. I don't know when the next time will be when I'll feel that way again, so full of hope and promise, and have that feeling of being cherished, and loved, and with someone. The thing that scares me the most is, what if I never do?

I joined a gym. I am determined to get to the point where I can look at my naked self in the mirror without cringing. That will be one way that I will fill up my time. I also got USAToday on my iPhone in an attempt to feel a little more connected to the world around me. Maybe I'll do something like join some sort of adventure singles club or something. I don't know. It's way too soon to think about something like that, I suspect.

I did take one step today, I finally put my status on Facebook as 'single'. I couldn't figure out how to stop it from being plastered on my Wall and all my friends' walls, but hopefully everyone else has put enough updates on their pages today that mine will be lost in the shuffle. I feel embarrassed that I'm here. Again.

The worst thing is, how do I tell the Kid? I feel like a terrible mom for allowing this guy into my life so thoroughly. Kid is going to be devastated and I don't know how to soften the blow. I've never been good at hiding my feelings, and he's pretty perceptive. He doesn't hold any punches either. When he thinks I've messed up, he's definitely quick to let me know. I don't know how to tell him, or how to avoid it, or what he's going to say, but I am definitely not looking forward to it.

Gah.