Tuesday, June 30, 2009

this is it

You can always tell when it's laundry day just by looking at me. Laundry day is when I have on my black sweats with the paint all over them, and my white tank top I use when getting tattooed - it's got ink all over it.

Somehow I can't find my other four pairs of sweats...they seem to mysteriously have vanished somewhere in the depths of my clothes closet.

So, I have started a book. I went out this weekend and bought like eight books by my favorite chick-lit authors, and somewhere in the middle of book 5 I realized...I could totally do this. I could totally do this!

So I started as soon as I got home from the grocery store. Last night I had a dream that I had taken my book to the publisher and they wouldn't take it because I had used a lot of the content in blogs, so I don't think I'd be doing much on here other than excerpts...but still, I wanted to tell someone because I'm pretty excited. I have a lot of ideas. Maybe this is why I haven't been able to blog...my ideas are all bigger than what would fit on a reasonably sized blog. Maybe it's my time. Maybe this is it.

Who knows? I'll tell you when you can go buy it. :P

Saturday, June 27, 2009

all the things i didn't know i needed!

Don't you love how on a sunny Saturday morning you can take the top down on your Jeep, cruise over to Target, and find all sorts of stuff (on clearance, no less!) that you never even knew you needed???

Case in point: had I not done that very thing this morning, I would never have known that I needed this piggy bank for ONLY ten dollars!

I also would never have known I totally needed this brilliant shiny necklace, this cute table and chair set for the patio, or even this little cart that I can fill with all my gardening supplies and scoot around on!

I tell you. It's lucky I went there today. I would have totally missed out and would have spent the rest of my life without a flower-covered piggy bank.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

are they friended????

I hate being curious about the ex-significant other.

You know what I mean? Obviously the person you're seeing/dating/married to/whatever had a dating past, unless you are one of those terribly tragic people that met the love of your life in pre-school and have been together since diapers (in which case you have a whole other set of problems).

I just wish that their dating past never needed to be in my present.

It's because of crap like Facebook or Myspaz or MyLife or whatever the hell other "social networking" sites are out there, seriously. These sites really are nothing more than to keep tabs on people that really don't concern you at all. For example: your boyfriend's exes. Or your exes. Either way, it's not good.

On Facebook today I see a name in my news feed and I know immediately that it's HER. You know...her. The Ex Girlfriend. The one that I still think holds a piece of him.

So what do I do? I click, of course. I click to see what she looks like, and to see whether it really is her, and secretly (or not so secretly since I did it in broad daylight) I want to see who she's friends with. Because suddenly that's really super important - does she know anyone I know? Are he and her actually already friended? Am I the only one she's not friends with????

See how terrible it is? I hate being curious about the ex. It's really none of my business. At all. Especially right now when things are really unclear and up in the air, I wouldn't have the right to be upset even if they were friends (which they are not, as far as I can tell, in case you were wondering too).

She's also, in case you were wondering, disappointingly cute and not fat at all. Which really kind of sucks, in my opinion. I don't think exes have the right to be disappointingly cute and not fat. You should always be able to feel superior to the ex. Dumb, I know, because I am an ex as well and there's something a little discomfiting about knowing there might be another woman out there scoping out my Facebook and feeling superior.

Oh wow, that's a whole other set of insecurities right there. Is there another woman out there scoping out my Facebook? Is she jealous or releived? Worse yet, has she scoped out my Facebook already??? Clearly she can see who I'm dating. She can see my pictures just like I can see hers! She can check out my friends too! She might be feeling superior to me!!!

Jiminy crickets. This is way too much neuroses in one morning. I need a cigarette.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

tarnished? i think not!

My subconscious works in the wierdest ways.

Last night I had two completely separate, completely disturbing dreams. In the first one, my very first boyfriend ever turned up out of nowhere. He had a son, very rude, and wanted to rekindle a relationship. He had a condition, however, that I had to be less fat. (I'm paraphrasing here). Totally depressing. His son had no manners, either.

In my second dream, my boss was telling me (and I quote) "I have received some very strong feedback lately that makes me worry that my shining star is tarnished."

Me! Tarnished! Total nightmares.

Obviously I am having some subconscious fears about being too fat and losing my job.

Jiminy crickets.

Monday, June 22, 2009

it's okay to miss

Way back when I got my first supervisory position, I wasn't very good.

In fact, I sucked. My team staged a mutiny.

It was embarrassing, heart-rending, humbling, and an enormous blow to my pride, all at once. The facilitator of the meeting stayed with me after they had all left and said something to me then that I have never forgotten.

He said, basically, that it doesn't matter if you miss. Every good leader misses, at some point. What makes a good leader, he said, was how you recover.

At times since then I've forgotten what he said, and I beat myself up over screwing something up, or making the wrong choice. I forget that it doesn't matter if you miss, it's how you recover afterwards.

This past year seems to be one miss after another, and I keep forgetting that I need to recover well. That it's okay to miss, and be wrong, and make the wrong choice, as long as I recover well.

So I've been thinking about that a lot lately because I feel like I missed, again. Again! I made a series of choices that seemed so right at the time and instead, I missed. I'm trying now to recover well but it's slow going. It gives me hope to remember what that guy said, and that it's okay to miss. No matter how many times, it's okay. It's only a failure when you don't pick yourself up to try again.

Which is good news, because I'm not even half done with my life yet!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

are you drinking or pouring?

Band Geek had an interesting observation yesterday about whether the glass is half full or half empty..."it depends on whether you're drinking or pouring."

So basically, it depends where you start. Do you start with a full glass and drink half of it? Or do you start with an empty glass and fill it up?

This is an interesting metaphor for everyday life. Starting the day with an empty glass might mean that we're totally open to what might happen that day, and everything that happens gives us energy and adds to our cup of water - a half full glass all day. Alternatively, we could start the day with a full glass of water, without any room for anything else, and spend all day draining our glass until it's half empty.

Most likely I'm reading way too much into the comment, but it seems to make sense to me.

Instinctively, I look at this picture and think, half full. I can't help it. MAYBE, on a really really bad day, it might be sorta less than half full maybe more towards partly empty but really. I feel pretty fortunate that most days, MOST days, my glass is permanently half full.

Lately my glass-is-half-full philosophy has been pretty well tested, though, my friends. It hasn't been very fun. I miss writing and I wish I wouldn't go through the day forgetting to write until I'm just at the point of falling asleep and have really great blogs run through my head when I'm too tired to get up and go post. That part really sucks because I think I've composed like twenty blogs in the last month. They were mostly pity party feel bad for me types, but still. It was writing.

I feel kind of flat lately. One dimensional. I'm a little afraid of getting stagnant, maybe that's why I'm making a special effort to write tonight to actually do something a little different.

On another note, the ONLY thing about these stupid fire safe cigarettes is that they don't go out while I'm smoking. This is the ONLY thing.