Monday, December 29, 2008

not so melodramatic after all

My horoscope says that I should trust my intuition. That it's like a muscle, and the more I exercise it, the stronger it will be.

I suspect that Punk has been seeing his ex - or discussing seeing her, or whatever - most if not all of the entire time we were dating.

It's disheartening to the point of permanent insecurity to feel like something that felt right to you was doomed from the start for the other person...and that you completely manufactured a connection that simply didn't exist at all.

Not to say that I think Punk was my soul mate or anything so melodramatic - just that there was an opportunity for something awesome and it really never had a chance because he was hung up on his ex...and my fabulous intuition gave me no clues at all. Or, maybe it did and I just didn't pay attention.

I haven't gone to see Dr. Funnybones about this yet. My last appointment was before my birthday. I also stopped taking my pills for awhile which was really not a sound decision. I plan to call the good doc sometime after the new year and make another appointment. And I have refilled my prescription of happy pills, so I think I am on the right track.

Christmas, quite simply, would have sucked were it not for Roo, Superman and Band Geek. I went to their family's for Christmas day dinner. This was fortunate for me because I think had I been alone on Christmas Day with my forlorn little plastic tree and empty stockings that I might have either drunk myself into a stupor and found myself the day after cold and shivering underneath the kitchen table, or I just would have called it quits and spent the worst Christmas ever hiding out underneath the blankets and refusing to come out at all.

Having roommates will be good for me, I think.

There is so much about Punk that I don't miss. How he was SO resistant to public affection, and hated a lot of my little quirks. He rarely got up before one in the afternoon, didn't have a regular job, didn't have a reliable car, and oh yeah - cheated on me early in the relationship. Not counting whatever he was doing with his ex.

Obviously such a stellar and sound relationship deserves to be mourned with all the grief and hair pulling I can muster on this rainy Pacific Northwestern day, but I can't seem to quite summon up the requisite melodrama. Other than the physical fact of his presence, and the emotional lie of his commitment to me, there wasn't much I got from him at all.

Band Geek grabs my hand while he's sleeping. That's enough.